It's been too long

 

It's so synchronistic when someone reminds you, albeit by accident, that you have a whole range of skills and knowledge that could be put to good use. 

You also realise that their enthusiasm for change is sparking something you'd forgotten in yourself. That the plan buzzing around in your head, needs to be actioned! 

So, if you found my blog RW.. thank you. 

Choicest choices..

There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.

Denis Waitley

That’s quite profound in a few short words isn’t it, is life really that simple? One thing I know with absolute certainty – you can read as many books, have as much therapy as you like, but if you still keep being a passenger in your own life, it will always take you back to the same places.

It’s our thinking can get in the way of our happiness.  It is our thoughts that really dictate the way we feel, so why not choose thoughts that make you feel amazing? 

That leads me nicely to the real crux of change - you! Do you know who you are, what you want, what you don’t want in your life? Inside of you there is a well of knowledge, a deep understanding, and an affinity for the real world around you, for nature. Above all there is an inner wisdom that tries to speak to you.  It’s too easy to become numbed to our inner wisdom and happiness from the multitude of distractions that surround us. The media is always full of false ideals of where happiness comes from. Usually based upon how we look, what we own, and where we live (to name but a few).

In those situations where you are poised at a junction in your life – there is the choice of what others expect you to do and what your inner wisdom knows is the right thing to do. You've felt that before, you've stood at that junction many times – you've certainly looked back with hindsight and recognised that moment. Who hasn't looked back and thought, why did I do that?  How about if you got so in tune with your inner wisdom that you were able to make the right choices at the right time – that would be great wouldn't it?

So how do you get to that point, how do you get to feel confident about making choices that are perhaps not the one that “they” think you should?

Learn that other people’s judgement is always all about them – their feelings, their fears, their experience, and their needs. The advice they offer you is based on their own internal guidance system, how can that possible help you?

Learn that sometimes people have agendas, that some people won’t want you to change as that would not benefit them. People who genuinely have love for you, albeit friends, partners, family, they want to give you wings to fly in everything you do. If they want to hold you down – you need to take a long hard look at why.

Learn to exorcise ghosts from the past – the secret to this is to truly learn from the lessons that the experience gave you. To take every positive piece of that experience, use it to move on and explore your own life and get to know you, look at your patterns of behaviour. If you can’t do this alone – find someone competent to help you.

Learn that what doesn’t serve you, what doesn’t need to be held onto for the rest of your life. There’s a huge choice right there, does a bad experience own you for the rest of your life, or do you own it and move forward?  It isn’t easy, believe me I know, but if you really want to move forward into a happy life, take baby steps, each day. Of course it's going to be hard, why wouldn't it be? 

Learn that every choice you make based on fear, will only ever lead you to unhappiness. You don’t grow stronger by keeping old fear based patterns; you grow stronger by breaking through them. Courage leads to strength that leads to resilience that leads to more courage that leads to more strength, that gives you energy, impetus to make changes – that leads to happiness.

Learn that one of the most important things to recognise is that we are what we think we are. Fear from old patterns provides us with an excuse not to do things that would challenge us. When we allow fear to prevent us from changing, we are letting the past win.  This is hard to overcome, but not impossible.

How many times have you been invited to do something, or given an opportunity of some sort. It sounded lovely, something you’d like to do, and so you say yes. Then, as it draws closer your inner critic starts to sit upon your shoulder and say all manner of “what ifs”, all related to your fears. The easy choice is to feign illness and cry off. How many times have you done that, heard what a great time everyone had and really regretted your actions?

From the moment we wake up in the morning, until we close our eyes to sleep. We are making choices. Every single one of those choices has an impact upon our day, physically, mentally and spiritually, every day is a cycle of events. Life is all about making choices and it’s so easy to forget that even the tiniest of choices are the ones that can bring about huge changes in our lives.

Here are some choices you can make every day, I am sure you can think of others too. Use them wisely and they can bring about incredible change.

Trust your intuition, your gut feeling. It’s your inner guidance system, your best friend and can help you to make wise choices.

Stop and think about the way you treat yourself, do you have a harsh inner critic? Are you unkind to yourself? Negative self-talk is one of the hardest habits to break, it’s hard, especially if it’s been the habit of a lifetime. Change negative self-talk to positive, it’s not easy, it won’t happen overnight, but it will make a huge change. Next time you get that invite or opportunity – say yes please and find the courage to own your life.

Become your own friend, when we rely on others for our own happiness we give away our sense of self-worth. It’s good to have friends around us, but it is also good to be strong enough to hold your own counsel too. If it feels right for you – do it.

Love yourself; treat yourself kindly, all yourself to feel love from others. Don’t isolate yourself, accept love and help when you need it. Learn the difference between choices based on love and respect for you, and those based on fear learnt from others.

Think you’re not strong enough? Pah! Look at what you've been through. You have courage and strength in abundance; you just need to start using it positively.

Be passionate about your life, it’s yours, so own it! What do you love to do, a hobby, a dream job, anything is possible, and the only thing stopping you, is your own belief that you can’t do it.

Take a deep breath, hold your head up high, and go for it; you really have absolutely nothing to lose, except the fear of doing it.

Meet the real you..

" A windmill's  true power is revealed only when it faces the wind; a person's only when he faces adversity."

Zen Proverb

How true that is - Our best lessons certainly don't arrive when everything in our life is running smoothly do they.

During tough times, we find strength we didn't know we had; we reveal our true strengths and weaknesses to all who care to look. Often we feel stripped naked when we realise that no matter what we think we may have materially, when faced with personal adversity, that's when who we really are surfaces and what we have, simply doesn't matter.

So what is it about adversity that brings out the best in people? Why don’t we use those skills and resources all the time? The truth is that we become divorced from our true nature, our in-built ability to guide and nurture, both ourselves and others.

In times of trouble, adversity serves to remind us of all the treasures in our lives, it makes us wake up and remember who we are, and what is important in our lives.  

Money troubles serve to remind us that we really shouldn’t base our happiness around acquisition.

Serious illness brings us a reminder that we are not immortal, it humbles us and reveals what marvellous creations we all are. It reminds us that life is indeed too short, and that making the most of our lives is important.

The loss of a loved one reminds us that we are all part of the cycle of birth and death.

We think of so many things we didn’t do or say, how many things we wish we had done.

Western society is filled with “things” the culture is all about “things” we are judged by where we live, what we have, where we work. Adversity reminds us that underneath the trappings, we are all the same.

So it is true, our troubles are often our greatest blessings, they lift us from the stupor of societies expectations and remind us of our true nature and ability.

I’ve spoken of expectations previously - Much of our worries and sorrows are caused because we attach heavy expectations to planned outcomes.  However, the universe often has other plans for us!

So we need to find a healthy balance – But how?

I’ve met people who sit upon their backsides expecting the universe to fulfil their wishes. Meanwhile they carry on talking about change and dreaming, while doing absolutely nothing to change themselves or their circumstance. Nothing wrong with faith, but how arrogant to assume that the universe exists to bring them gifts with no effort or commitment needed.

I have also met people who are so busy working very long hours at stressful jobs, sometimes at the expense of their relationships. They are so far removed from their inner (higher) selves, that they function only at ego level. They succeed in having a perfectly material life, lovely house car etc – but ultimately these are empty things.

I firmly believe that the balance comes from having a dream, but actually taking steps to work towards them. I think that if you follow your intuition and your heart for all the right reasons; the universe responds with opportunities.

Whether we see these opportunities, is another matter entirely, watch Derren Brown’s experiment about luck – it’s fascinating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVab9jj09sA

So in summary, adversity is one of our best teachers, one of the best motivators and to those who are willing to look in the mirror, one of the best insights into our own character.

We cannot change what has happened to us in life, but we have full control over how we react to it. When we are true to ourselves, when we look at our dark sides and work on the not so pretty elements of ourselves – that is when we become whole. 

Rise up - be all you can be

THE RISING

One day

your soul will call to you

with a holy rage.

“Rise up!” it will say …

“Stand up inside your own skin.”

Unmask your unlived life…

feast on your animal heart.

Unfasten your fist …

let loose the medicine

in your own hand.

Show me the lines…

I will show you the spoor

of the ancestors.

Show me the creases…

I will show you

the way to water.

Show me the folds …

I will show you the furrows

for your healing.

“Look!” it will say …

the line of life has four paths –

one with a mirror

one with a mask,

one with a fist,

one with a heart.

One day,

your soul will call to you

with a holy rage.

Ian McCallum

Happiness is not about other people

Life shouldn’t revolve around making everyone else happy;  and it certainly shouldn’t revolve around expecting others to make you happy either. 

Happiness is actually a choice - If you are having a bad day, and then something happens to brighten it – what actually is happening is that you are choosing to feel happy.  No-one has the power over you to control your emotions, we cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. That may well be a bit of a cliché, none-the-less it is so true! It comes down to having a solid core of self-belief, strong roots , and yes, strong boundaries.

If this all sounds a bit twee, then take a moment to think about your life, do you take full responsibility for it?

Ask yourself the following:

Do you often say yes, when you’d actually like to say no?

If you are worried about something, do you voice those fears?

If you are in trouble, no matter how small, can you ask for help, and take it when offered?

Do you spend a lot of your time worrying what others think of you?

Have you got a strong voice to speak up for yourself, a voice that not only rattles around in your mind, but one that actually speaks out for you?

If you can’t answer those positively then let’s look at some ways you can change that.

Throw away all the “if only” and “when I get” “If I had” thoughts and start to appreciate what you do have. You really cannot change others – end of; people only change if they want to. However, you can change yourself over time.

The first, and most important, thing to work on is the expectations and imprints dumped upon you from significant others. The biggest cause of disappointment in life is to think we are always failing, always somehow falling short of our partners, family, neighbours, and colleague’s expectations.

We hold this image and ideal that everyone else in life is happy, having great success at everything – this is truly not so. When we are disconnected from our own inner guidance system, we are disconnected from happiness.

Once you release the outcome of trying to live up to the attitudes and imprinted expectations of others, you can begin to live your life on your own terms.

How to create the happiness you seek?

1: Change your outlook, listen to yourself speak and get into the habit of creating positive speech and behaviour.

2: If it feels right, do it! If it doesn’t – listen to your intuition/gut and stay away! This really is key to everything you do from here on in.Your inbuilt inner guidance system is your best friend, learn to listen to it, best of all, be guided by it. 

 3: Smile, be nice, start your day with kindness, let others attitudes be their problem. Smiling is infectious and even if you don’t feel like it at first – suck it in and give a grin! Like ripples in a pond people will notice the change in you.

4: Give every single thing you do your best shot, put your energy into positive things – got things in your life that make you miserable? Change them! once you get started, you won’t believe what you can achieve.

5: Always wanted to do something? Do it! The worst that can happen is that all your dreams stayed in your head. The best that can happen is opportunity. Fear of trying something new is a strange master, it has a lot of power when it’s rattling around in your head. But face it head on, and it evaporates leaving you wondering “Why didn’t I… “Try/do/see/taste/feel/enjoy (add anything you’re missing here) that years ago”!

6: Look at the relationships in your life, are they nurturing? Do you hang out with nice people? Most importantly – do they show you love, kindness and respect.  Distance yourself from the negative nellies who suck all your time, confidence and energy! Be nice to others, it has to work both ways. Care about people, not at your own expense, but on equal terms. (like attracts like)

7: Stop being so hung up on all the things you don’t have and truly appreciate what you DO have. Get a real sense of appreciation for all the everyday things in your life – after all, that’s what real life is made of isn’t it? Show appreciation for others, we all like that don’t we?

8: Nurture yourself, take care of your mind and body with equal care. If you are physically exhausted, then your mind will be too (and vice versa) Like Baz Lurhman said, Don’t read beauty magazines, they’ll only make you feel ugly! Sticking filler in your face, plumping up your wobbly bits with chemicals - this is madness! Ending up looking like wax model will not make you happy - but loving yourself and celebrating all you are will. 

9: Be brave, some people just cannot be fixed, if trying to fix them is breaking you – move on. It’s not giving up, it’s not giving in, it’s recognising the real truth of the situation you’re in and doing something about it for YOU. Get help with that, it’s not a weakness to ask for help, chances are you’re so lost that even thinking hurts. It’s your life, own it. You will come out the other side stronger, healthier, and braver.

10:  Take ownership of your boundaries – I repeat this in all I do and all I teach.

Empower yourself, love yourself from the inside right through to the outside. You can choose to change, or choose to stay stuck in unhappiness – it’s only you who can change.

Finally, Listen to this.. and then go dance ….  

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Becoming Real

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

 Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Isn’t that lovely? and what a wonderful excerpt from the book, it really does sum up living authentically.  It’s also very true, we don’t become real people until we have experienced pain, loss, real love, and what we thought was love ~ no matter the source of love or hurt, we become real by acknowledging our true selves in every experience.

So the Skin Horse explains this by saying that people who break easily, have sharp edges, or have to be kept carefully, don’t often become real. Looking at this and applying it to life we can see what he means.

If you break easily, everything becomes painful, every new negative experience builds on the last one, and we become so disconnected from our true selves, our dreams, our hopes that it becomes difficult to see clearly.

If you have coped with life by building a wall around yourself for protection, you may keep out the hurt, but you also keep out the chance of becoming real, and recognising real love when it comes. So your edges will be sharp, from a distance you seem ok, but get closer and those edges cut, the saddest thing is that it is you who will be cut the deepest.

If your response to life has been a desire to be carefully kept, (controlling your environment)  then you are living a false life. Like living on a very small life raft in a very big ocean, you are very vulnerable to being thrown around by life’s ups and downs.

When we are hurting, we don’t see it at the time but it is the perfect time to take a long hard look at ourselves. To become real (authentic) we have to acknowledge every part of ourselves. The good parts, and the not so pretty parts.

You can’t mend other people when they are broken, that’s a fact, an indisputable truth ~ no matter what you do for them, you cannot mend them. You can help them mend themselves, but they have to truly want to change or your energy and time will be wasted.

You can mend yourself though, with or without help, and the first step is to acknowledge that you are broken.

Just two questions, if you’re really smart you’ll be asking yourself both of them:

Why am I allowing these things to happen in my life*?

Why am I treating other people this way?

That’s it right there, your biggest truth, your long hard gaze in the mirror: Two simple questions.

So how do you begin to mend yourself?

It starts with how much we love and value ourselves ~ those who’ve read all of my blogs will notice a common theme in that statement. What most people who read it won’t know - is that I have learnt all of these things the hard way by experience!

So right now I will be my authentic self, sharing the one simple fact that I know, if we don’t love, honour and respect ourselves truly, why should others?

Have you ever:

Put yourself last, feeling guilty for having needs

Beat yourself up for making mistakes

Had self-destructive behaviours that stemmed from low self-worth and attracted all manner of destructive people/events into your life

Talked yourself out of doing anything worthy, told yourself that you wouldn’t be good enough

Concentrate on all your perceived shortcomings far more than all the good things you’ve achieved

Develop some habits/strategies to feel loved, get attention

I have done all of the above, and probably a lot more too at various times in my life!

So how did I change? How did I become real?

I went through a most horrendous experience that left me vulnerable and scared, but at the same time something in me snapped and made me embrace everything I was, and everything I wasn’t.

I acknowledged my weak points and made a promise to myself to sort as many of them out as possible, and to love those flawed bits of me I really couldn’t change.

By accepting yourself fully, you begin the healing process, by looking at the dark side of ourselves, as well as the light parts (much more comfortable to look at) that is the route to becoming whole.

So I am not so different from you, except that I am writing about my flaws for the world to read, and I have to tell you – that feels ok, it feels right to acknowledge that I am not perfect. The reason that feels right, is that my foundation is now built on having the love and respect for myself that I deserve. 

I don’t need everyone else to love me in order to love myself

I don’t need everyone else’s permission to be happy in order to feel happiness

I am happy being me, perfectly imperfect, and in living this way, I have attracted happiness in abundance into my life that I never thought possible..

So now you know.. The whole reason for creating the village of Happyshire, is to help you find peace and happiness in your life too. To give you courage to change, to get out there and create the life you’d really like. 

Live positively and value yourself, take chances, take risks.. just do it!

The worst that can happen can turn out to be the best you ever could have imagined

Trust me...... I know, for now my hair has fallen out, I have scars, inside and outside, my joints ache... but I am real, and I am truly loved. 

You can read the whole story of the Velveteen Rabbit here..

http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/williams/rabbit/rabbit.html

*I am not talking about victims of Domestic Violence, that is a completely different complex subject and I would implore you to seek outside help immediately. 

Angry words, painful soul

Whilst a little anger is a healthy thing, holding on to anger is where we start to get problems.

When I was studying for my Hypnotherapy course, our tutor said that when we hold onto hatred, grudges, anger, or any other fear based negative emotion, although we are directing our thoughts at another, it is us  we are hurting.

 He summarised this nicely thus, when we constantly direct negative emotion at others, it's like saying:

 "Here, drink this glass of poison and watch me  die"

When you really think about that, it's really very powerful isn't it..

 In other words - the words and feelings of hate and anger etc, are coursing through our veins and making us ill. All those feelings bubbling around us do not reach the person they are intended for, they just poison us instead.

A little anger is quite natural and quite necessary in our lives; it can protect us, and motivate us to stand up for ourselves and overcome injustice for those we love. However, like all emotions, if it is chronic, out of control, then it becomes destructive, counter-productive and can eventually cause problems with our health e.g. stress. It can also destroy relationships of all kinds and harm others around you.

 So to conquer it and see what’s really going on inside of us, we need to look at ourselves. That isn’t easy; facing up to who we’ve become can be painful to say the least.

When we bury powerful emotions rather than deal with them; we then expend so much energy trying to keep them buried that we then get all sorts of problems as a result. .  It is a known fact that burying emotional trauma is one of the root causes of addictions.

Think of yourself as a battery, by suppressing emotions we leave ourselves on standby, alert for further situations that may threaten us. So we overreact to situations that in turn fan the flames of anger, using more and more of our energy. Creating more and more situations until life becomes flat and exhausting.

So how do we deal with hurt, pain, frustration etc in a healthy way?

Once we understand that anger is in the main a physical reaction, a primordial response to keep us safe from danger. It causes adrenaline to surge through our bodies and prepares us for flight or fight; we can see that its misuse as a tool for general living is not a good idea.

Being perpetually smoulderingly angry is also a habit or strategy, a way of living that has got results, but can also potentially cost you dearly. Cortisol, the stress hormone burns slowly and constantly, making you ‘on edge’ eventually this could lead to heart problems.

So how to change the cycle?

When you feel anger rising, hit the pause button, train yourself to count to ten (or any number that you need) count very slowly, breathe deeply and think about the consequences of your anger. Take time out to calm yourself, that way you avoid inflaming the situation and saying things you may later regret.

The goal here is to own the moment, rather than your anger owning you.  By taking charge of your emotions you can respond mindfully, rather than just reacting mindlessly.

Once you have calmed down, don’t suppress the feelings that caused your anger, that just leads to more problems. Choose to express them calmly without confrontation but assertively. This is a skill in itself but one that can be learnt and one that will bring rewards in a work, social and domestic setting.

Exercise is an excellent way of channelling frustration into something positive. A long walk, a swim, the gym, whatever you like to do is the key. Allow the frustrations to wash over you, and let them go.

Other angry people, it is no surprise that anger breeds anger and so your household may be one that is stressful, “shouty” and full of people with short fuses. Children learn their strategies from their parents – anger isn’t a good legacy to inherit. Partners will in time adopt anger (either passive or aggressive) to deal with an angry partner and so if this is your household, you may want to try the above as a family. (I am not talking about domestic violence here, that is an entirely different subject)

You can change, you just have to really want to.

Please note:

Serious issues from our past, that we have buried will continue to arise in our minds and can feel so complicated that we feel we cannot begin to sort them out by ourselves. It can be very overwhelming but if we know that the past is interfering with our happiness in our daily lives and affecting our future promise.  Then it would be very wise to seek some professional help. There is no shame in that, all too often people avoid seeking help for fear of being judged, that they are alone in their fears that everyone else is coping beautifully, they are the only “failures”.

Let me reassure you right now, that every person (alive) on this planet has some degree of Neurosis, it’s just that some are better at dealing with them than others.

Don’t be afraid to seek help, and shop around for therapists as you would for anything else, if you have a free consultation and you don’t feel comfortable, keep looking until you do. 

NB: The word Neurosis in essence means : Hidden injury, a wound of the mind. It can range from phobias, OCD, low self-esteem, and many other behaviours and is defined as “behaviour not outside normal social terms”. The term has largely been replaced by “anxiety disorders” as a broad umbrella for all the problems that are not classed as a psychosis.