Angry words, painful soul

Whilst a little anger is a healthy thing, holding on to anger is where we start to get problems.

When I was studying for my Hypnotherapy course, our tutor said that when we hold onto hatred, grudges, anger, or any other fear based negative emotion, although we are directing our thoughts at another, it is us  we are hurting.

 He summarised this nicely thus, when we constantly direct negative emotion at others, it's like saying:

 "Here, drink this glass of poison and watch me  die"

When you really think about that, it's really very powerful isn't it..

 In other words - the words and feelings of hate and anger etc, are coursing through our veins and making us ill. All those feelings bubbling around us do not reach the person they are intended for, they just poison us instead.

A little anger is quite natural and quite necessary in our lives; it can protect us, and motivate us to stand up for ourselves and overcome injustice for those we love. However, like all emotions, if it is chronic, out of control, then it becomes destructive, counter-productive and can eventually cause problems with our health e.g. stress. It can also destroy relationships of all kinds and harm others around you.

 So to conquer it and see what’s really going on inside of us, we need to look at ourselves. That isn’t easy; facing up to who we’ve become can be painful to say the least.

When we bury powerful emotions rather than deal with them; we then expend so much energy trying to keep them buried that we then get all sorts of problems as a result. .  It is a known fact that burying emotional trauma is one of the root causes of addictions.

Think of yourself as a battery, by suppressing emotions we leave ourselves on standby, alert for further situations that may threaten us. So we overreact to situations that in turn fan the flames of anger, using more and more of our energy. Creating more and more situations until life becomes flat and exhausting.

So how do we deal with hurt, pain, frustration etc in a healthy way?

Once we understand that anger is in the main a physical reaction, a primordial response to keep us safe from danger. It causes adrenaline to surge through our bodies and prepares us for flight or fight; we can see that its misuse as a tool for general living is not a good idea.

Being perpetually smoulderingly angry is also a habit or strategy, a way of living that has got results, but can also potentially cost you dearly. Cortisol, the stress hormone burns slowly and constantly, making you ‘on edge’ eventually this could lead to heart problems.

So how to change the cycle?

When you feel anger rising, hit the pause button, train yourself to count to ten (or any number that you need) count very slowly, breathe deeply and think about the consequences of your anger. Take time out to calm yourself, that way you avoid inflaming the situation and saying things you may later regret.

The goal here is to own the moment, rather than your anger owning you.  By taking charge of your emotions you can respond mindfully, rather than just reacting mindlessly.

Once you have calmed down, don’t suppress the feelings that caused your anger, that just leads to more problems. Choose to express them calmly without confrontation but assertively. This is a skill in itself but one that can be learnt and one that will bring rewards in a work, social and domestic setting.

Exercise is an excellent way of channelling frustration into something positive. A long walk, a swim, the gym, whatever you like to do is the key. Allow the frustrations to wash over you, and let them go.

Other angry people, it is no surprise that anger breeds anger and so your household may be one that is stressful, “shouty” and full of people with short fuses. Children learn their strategies from their parents – anger isn’t a good legacy to inherit. Partners will in time adopt anger (either passive or aggressive) to deal with an angry partner and so if this is your household, you may want to try the above as a family. (I am not talking about domestic violence here, that is an entirely different subject)

You can change, you just have to really want to.

Please note:

Serious issues from our past, that we have buried will continue to arise in our minds and can feel so complicated that we feel we cannot begin to sort them out by ourselves. It can be very overwhelming but if we know that the past is interfering with our happiness in our daily lives and affecting our future promise.  Then it would be very wise to seek some professional help. There is no shame in that, all too often people avoid seeking help for fear of being judged, that they are alone in their fears that everyone else is coping beautifully, they are the only “failures”.

Let me reassure you right now, that every person (alive) on this planet has some degree of Neurosis, it’s just that some are better at dealing with them than others.

Don’t be afraid to seek help, and shop around for therapists as you would for anything else, if you have a free consultation and you don’t feel comfortable, keep looking until you do. 

NB: The word Neurosis in essence means : Hidden injury, a wound of the mind. It can range from phobias, OCD, low self-esteem, and many other behaviours and is defined as “behaviour not outside normal social terms”. The term has largely been replaced by “anxiety disorders” as a broad umbrella for all the problems that are not classed as a psychosis.