Life for rent?

"But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy...

Well I deserve nothing more than I get..Cos nothing I have is truly mine"

You may well recognise those words from the song "Life for rent" by Dido. How very true they are, so I want you to think about your life, your soul, is yours for rent? 

What do those words mean?
To me they are making a clear statement about choice. I am writing this article predominantly for women, simply because they are more prone to fall for the beguiling ways of a charmer, especially when vulnerable.

In particular I would like to talk about Narcissism, have you ever been in a relationship that started by you being totally swept off your feet? A knight in shining ardour, sorry amour, who "understood you" would love you so truly, so completely,  like no other. Did he used to be a "bad boy" were you going to cure him? Was he a victim of all of those other women, misunderstood, vilified?  I am sure that you can add any number of other statements here. 

“If you have ever been drained dry and then blamed for failing, or have been criticised, then altered your behaviour, only to be found at fault for doing what you were told to do, you have had an encounter with a narcissist. Narcissists can make you feel crazy, exhausted and guilty.”                                                                            Dan B Alexander

The charmer:

During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is often in his or her best behaviour. A narcissist can be extremely charming, witty and lovely, which often makes one to fall head over heels in love with them.

While pursuing a new Lover, a narcissist is often claiming that they have been very unhappy in their past relationships, have never felt as strongly towards anyone else as they are now feeling towards the new Lover, etc. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to disarm the other person and to make the other person fall for them.

We all want to be loved and adored by the person we love, that’s a basic human need. During the idealisation phase a narcissist is fulfilling this need and is making us feel special, this is why it is so difficult to resist them. Unfortunately this "honeymoon" period never lasts for long. A narcissist soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase.

At around 4mths into a new relationship, an undamaged person would start to think about long term possibilities, with the narcissist, the reality is, the boredom is already settling in.  

The not so charming:

During this phase the behaviour of a narcissist changes, they may become cold and uncaring almost overnight. A narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly a narcissist finds all sorts of flaws in your behaviour and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve such treatment. You may try to please your partner and try to "make him or her love you again", however nothing you do seems to be good enough.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse "available", in case the new relationship does not work out the way they are expecting. A narcissist is often getting "kicks" when he or she is thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are "madly in love" with him/her. This feeling serves as the source of a narcissistic supply.

Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?

Do they have:

• An Inability to reach true empathy
• Tendencies to expect special treatment
• Feelings of entitlement, that things will just come to them (without having to work hard)
• Inability to admit that he or she is wrong, or if they do, it will be for effect, and given in a magnanimous manner
• Inability to receive criticism, takes slights at everyday comments
• Unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
• Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behaviour of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist
• Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual
• Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug.
• Is often envious and mocks other people (often behind their back) always with the belief they are superior
• Very secretive ways, and over react hugely if asked normal questions such as, “how was your day”
• In the beginning of the relationship idealises one's partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love, quick to demand marriage.  However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become distant cold and uncaring
• Is often untruthful and due to this, often ends up cheating in a relationship. Cheating is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge "crime"),
• Double standards: A narcissist twists the rules so that they fit to their current needs. For example, if a narcissist is cheating it is not wrong, because a narcissist simply "fell in love" and followed his or her heart.  Double standards also apply to other areas in life.
• A quest for power, spiritual or otherwise, or a perceived gift of great power

It's impossible to overemphasize the importance of narcissists' lack of empathy. It colours everything about them. Their thinking is not only illogical but can seem very dysfunctional too. On the surface they are often humorous, good fun, great to be around, first to offer help, seemingly charming but you have to know them pretty well to see their true behaviour. For instance, they always fill in the gaps of their visible life with bits of behaviour, ideas, tastes, opinions, etc., borrowed from someone else whom they regard as an authority. 

Often they are leaders, either socially or at work; If they are not in a position of authority they often denigrate every co-worker, employer, co member who is, as obviously they could do the job so much better.

If you look past the charming facade, they often contradict themselves, they borrow their opinions and preferences and tastes from whoever strikes them as authoritative at that moment. 

Their authoritative sources, are often from a book or the internet, for instance.. Because their inner life is so restricted and essentially dead, it doesn't contain images of how to live a full life; these things are not important to them, they expect others to look after day-to-day chores. They resent wasting their specialness on common things, like paying bills etc. They prefer to be engaged in something that brings personal glory and most importantly, the adoration they crave.

 They're pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to them, (or have nothing to offer) and they'll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use. 

If they are sexually attracted to you they'll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. But, as soon as you get really close to them, they'll say that you are too demanding/intrusive/clingy – all manner of things designed to make you feel bad about yourself . This puts you on the quest to win back their approval, to regain what you thought you had when they charmed you. You invest so much love and emotion into them, that it is hard to leave. They can turn on the vulnerable child act at will. 

When the balance changes and the emotional and verbal abuse begins, they still behave so charmingly in public, you will witness them and be left bewildered at your own treatment – you think that no-one else will believe you, how could they when the public persona is so convincingly charming?

When you say "I love you," they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an appendage, and so the balance changes. The change from decent treatment to verbal and emotional abuse is very shocking and bewildering, and it's so contrary to normal experience it is hard to comprehend that an expression of affection that triggered the narcissists' nasty reactions.

Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. If you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't really love them (or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you) If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will twist and turn things t make you feel guilty. They will readily withhold sexual contact; whilst often at this stage, making sexual contact with new sources of flattery , by whatever means. 

The lies: do not underestimate their ability to lie, they are incredibly adept at doing so, even when the lies are not even necessary, they twist and turn things so that you begin to doubt that what you saw/heard with your own eyes/ears is possible.  If you try to challenge them about it, anything can happen, from sulking, rage,  right up to putting on a big mock show of indignant hurt. "How could you even think that of me" They will press all of your emotional buttons, and then accuse you of being emotional. Make no mistake, you are being played.

 Some say narcissists tend to peak around middle age and then mellow out. Others say that narcissists stay pretty much the same except they tend to get depression as they get older and their grandiose fantasies are not supported, plus they're not as good-looking as they used to be. Narcissists blame the world, their previous partners of course, and not themselves for their personal disappointments.

 Can you live with a Narcissist? Yes, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show genuine interest in you or your life ,do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologise or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary grown up responsibility in any way.

 But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they syphon from you.

Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take every last bit you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and when you finally give up on them, because you have been drained.. it WILL be your fault, make no mistake about that. The crocodile tears will come, the denial will be immense, circumstances (tragic of course) will have dictated the demise of the relationship. 

If this sounds like something you have experienced then let me reassure you right now, there isn't anything "wrong" with you! Chances are you are caring, empathetic, a nurturer, so how does this happen? 

Simple - they selected you as most likely to be thier new source, they will have been visually and sexually attracted to you (it's good for their image) but early on you will have displayed signs of weak personal boundaries. 

When our boundaries are weak, unguarded, or unclear, we let in all sorts people that we normally wouldn't entertain. When we are feeling vulnerable, unsure of ourselves,  we give away our own personal energy unconsciously. We then give signs, such as low confidence,signs that they will have picked up on straight away.  

So how to stop this happening again?  Learn to set boundaries..


 This excellent article was sent to me (link below) and I thought it gave very good advice from Dana Gionta.  

1. Name your limits.

You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. So identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits, Gionta said. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. “Those feelings help us identify what our limits are.”

2. Tune into your feelings.

Gionta has observed two key feelings in others that are red flags or cues that we’re letting go of our boundaries: discomfort and resentment. She suggested thinking of these feelings on a continuum from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone, she said.

If you’re at the higher end of this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, Gionta suggested asking yourself, what is causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation that is bothering me?

Resentment usually “comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.” It’s often a sign that we’re pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we feel guilty (and want to be a good daughter or wife, for instance), or someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values on us, she said.

“When someone acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a cue to us they may be violating or crossing a boundary,” Gionta said.

3. Be direct.

With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue. Usually, this is the case if people are similar in their communication styles, views, personalities and general approach to life, Gionta said. They’ll “approach each other similarly.”

With others, such as those who have a different personality or cultural background, you’ll need to be more direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example: “one person feels [that] challenging someone’s opinions is a healthy way of communicating,” but to another person this feels disrespectful and tense.

There are other times you might need to be direct. For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a boundary issue, Gionta said. Partners might need to talk about how much time they need to maintain their sense of self and how much time to spend together.

4. Give yourself permission.

Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls, Gionta said. We might fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe that they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they’re a good daughter or son, even though they “feel drained or taken advantage of.” We might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place.

Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.

5. Practice self-awareness.

Again, boundaries are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, Gionta suggested asking yourself: What’s changed? Consider “What I am doing or [what is] the other person doing?” or “What is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” Then, mull over your options: “What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have control over?”

6. Consider your past and present.

How you were raised along with your role in your family can become additional obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caretaker, you learned to focus on others, letting yourself be drained emotionally or physically, Gionta said. Ignoring your own needs might have become the norm for you.

Also, think about the people you surround yourself with, she said. “Are the relationships reciprocal?” Is there a healthy give and take?

Beyond relationships, your environment might be unhealthy, too. For instance, if your workday is eight hours a day, but your co-workers stay at least 10 to 11, “there’s an implicit expectation to go above and beyond” at work, Gionta said. It can be challenging being the only one or one of a few trying to maintain healthy boundaries, she said. Again, this is where tuning into your feelings and needs and honoring them becomes critical.

7. Make self-care a priority.

Gionta helps her clients make self-care a priority, which also involves giving yourself permission to put yourself first. When we do this, “our need and motivation to set boundaries become stronger,” she said. Self-care also means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them. These feelings serve as “important cues about our wellbeing and about what makes us happy and unhappy.”

Putting yourself first also gives you the “energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there” for them.” And “When we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.”

8. Seek support.

If you’re having a hard time with boundaries, “seek some support, whether [that’s a] support group, church, counseling, coaching or good friends.” With friends or family, you can even make “it a priority with each other to practice setting boundaries together [and] hold each other accountable.”

Consider seeking support through appropriate resources, too..

9. Be assertive.

Of course, we know that it’s not enough to create boundaries; we actually have to follow through. Even though we know intellectually that people aren’t mind readers, we still expect others to know what hurts us, Gionta said. Since they don’t, it’s important to assertively communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary.

In a respectful way, let the other person know what in particular is bothersome to you and that you can work together to address it, Gionta said.

10. Start small.

Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. Gionta suggested starting with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increasing to more challenging boundaries. “Build upon your success, and [at first] try not to take on something that feels overwhelming.”

“Setting boundaries takes courage, practice and support,” Gionta said. And remember that it’s a skill you can master.

I would also like to add something to the bottom of this - if it feels wrong inside your gut, that's because it IS wrong. Don't gift people like this with your own morals, with your own sense of justice. 

Would you ever even consider treating another human being like this? then do not allow another human being treat you like it.. 

Boundaries article taken from:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

I am currently researching Narcissism and it's devastating affect on the victims - many have already written to me, please feel free to do so in complete confidence. Cherry.