Becoming Real

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

 Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Isn’t that lovely? and what a wonderful excerpt from the book, it really does sum up living authentically.  It’s also very true, we don’t become real people until we have experienced pain, loss, real love, and what we thought was love ~ no matter the source of love or hurt, we become real by acknowledging our true selves in every experience.

So the Skin Horse explains this by saying that people who break easily, have sharp edges, or have to be kept carefully, don’t often become real. Looking at this and applying it to life we can see what he means.

If you break easily, everything becomes painful, every new negative experience builds on the last one, and we become so disconnected from our true selves, our dreams, our hopes that it becomes difficult to see clearly.

If you have coped with life by building a wall around yourself for protection, you may keep out the hurt, but you also keep out the chance of becoming real, and recognising real love when it comes. So your edges will be sharp, from a distance you seem ok, but get closer and those edges cut, the saddest thing is that it is you who will be cut the deepest.

If your response to life has been a desire to be carefully kept, (controlling your environment)  then you are living a false life. Like living on a very small life raft in a very big ocean, you are very vulnerable to being thrown around by life’s ups and downs.

When we are hurting, we don’t see it at the time but it is the perfect time to take a long hard look at ourselves. To become real (authentic) we have to acknowledge every part of ourselves. The good parts, and the not so pretty parts.

You can’t mend other people when they are broken, that’s a fact, an indisputable truth ~ no matter what you do for them, you cannot mend them. You can help them mend themselves, but they have to truly want to change or your energy and time will be wasted.

You can mend yourself though, with or without help, and the first step is to acknowledge that you are broken.

Just two questions, if you’re really smart you’ll be asking yourself both of them:

Why am I allowing these things to happen in my life*?

Why am I treating other people this way?

That’s it right there, your biggest truth, your long hard gaze in the mirror: Two simple questions.

So how do you begin to mend yourself?

It starts with how much we love and value ourselves ~ those who’ve read all of my blogs will notice a common theme in that statement. What most people who read it won’t know - is that I have learnt all of these things the hard way by experience!

So right now I will be my authentic self, sharing the one simple fact that I know, if we don’t love, honour and respect ourselves truly, why should others?

Have you ever:

Put yourself last, feeling guilty for having needs

Beat yourself up for making mistakes

Had self-destructive behaviours that stemmed from low self-worth and attracted all manner of destructive people/events into your life

Talked yourself out of doing anything worthy, told yourself that you wouldn’t be good enough

Concentrate on all your perceived shortcomings far more than all the good things you’ve achieved

Develop some habits/strategies to feel loved, get attention

I have done all of the above, and probably a lot more too at various times in my life!

So how did I change? How did I become real?

I went through a most horrendous experience that left me vulnerable and scared, but at the same time something in me snapped and made me embrace everything I was, and everything I wasn’t.

I acknowledged my weak points and made a promise to myself to sort as many of them out as possible, and to love those flawed bits of me I really couldn’t change.

By accepting yourself fully, you begin the healing process, by looking at the dark side of ourselves, as well as the light parts (much more comfortable to look at) that is the route to becoming whole.

So I am not so different from you, except that I am writing about my flaws for the world to read, and I have to tell you – that feels ok, it feels right to acknowledge that I am not perfect. The reason that feels right, is that my foundation is now built on having the love and respect for myself that I deserve. 

I don’t need everyone else to love me in order to love myself

I don’t need everyone else’s permission to be happy in order to feel happiness

I am happy being me, perfectly imperfect, and in living this way, I have attracted happiness in abundance into my life that I never thought possible..

So now you know.. The whole reason for creating the village of Happyshire, is to help you find peace and happiness in your life too. To give you courage to change, to get out there and create the life you’d really like. 

Live positively and value yourself, take chances, take risks.. just do it!

The worst that can happen can turn out to be the best you ever could have imagined

Trust me...... I know, for now my hair has fallen out, I have scars, inside and outside, my joints ache... but I am real, and I am truly loved. 

You can read the whole story of the Velveteen Rabbit here..

http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/williams/rabbit/rabbit.html

*I am not talking about victims of Domestic Violence, that is a completely different complex subject and I would implore you to seek outside help immediately. 

Angry words, painful soul

Whilst a little anger is a healthy thing, holding on to anger is where we start to get problems.

When I was studying for my Hypnotherapy course, our tutor said that when we hold onto hatred, grudges, anger, or any other fear based negative emotion, although we are directing our thoughts at another, it is us  we are hurting.

 He summarised this nicely thus, when we constantly direct negative emotion at others, it's like saying:

 "Here, drink this glass of poison and watch me  die"

When you really think about that, it's really very powerful isn't it..

 In other words - the words and feelings of hate and anger etc, are coursing through our veins and making us ill. All those feelings bubbling around us do not reach the person they are intended for, they just poison us instead.

A little anger is quite natural and quite necessary in our lives; it can protect us, and motivate us to stand up for ourselves and overcome injustice for those we love. However, like all emotions, if it is chronic, out of control, then it becomes destructive, counter-productive and can eventually cause problems with our health e.g. stress. It can also destroy relationships of all kinds and harm others around you.

 So to conquer it and see what’s really going on inside of us, we need to look at ourselves. That isn’t easy; facing up to who we’ve become can be painful to say the least.

When we bury powerful emotions rather than deal with them; we then expend so much energy trying to keep them buried that we then get all sorts of problems as a result. .  It is a known fact that burying emotional trauma is one of the root causes of addictions.

Think of yourself as a battery, by suppressing emotions we leave ourselves on standby, alert for further situations that may threaten us. So we overreact to situations that in turn fan the flames of anger, using more and more of our energy. Creating more and more situations until life becomes flat and exhausting.

So how do we deal with hurt, pain, frustration etc in a healthy way?

Once we understand that anger is in the main a physical reaction, a primordial response to keep us safe from danger. It causes adrenaline to surge through our bodies and prepares us for flight or fight; we can see that its misuse as a tool for general living is not a good idea.

Being perpetually smoulderingly angry is also a habit or strategy, a way of living that has got results, but can also potentially cost you dearly. Cortisol, the stress hormone burns slowly and constantly, making you ‘on edge’ eventually this could lead to heart problems.

So how to change the cycle?

When you feel anger rising, hit the pause button, train yourself to count to ten (or any number that you need) count very slowly, breathe deeply and think about the consequences of your anger. Take time out to calm yourself, that way you avoid inflaming the situation and saying things you may later regret.

The goal here is to own the moment, rather than your anger owning you.  By taking charge of your emotions you can respond mindfully, rather than just reacting mindlessly.

Once you have calmed down, don’t suppress the feelings that caused your anger, that just leads to more problems. Choose to express them calmly without confrontation but assertively. This is a skill in itself but one that can be learnt and one that will bring rewards in a work, social and domestic setting.

Exercise is an excellent way of channelling frustration into something positive. A long walk, a swim, the gym, whatever you like to do is the key. Allow the frustrations to wash over you, and let them go.

Other angry people, it is no surprise that anger breeds anger and so your household may be one that is stressful, “shouty” and full of people with short fuses. Children learn their strategies from their parents – anger isn’t a good legacy to inherit. Partners will in time adopt anger (either passive or aggressive) to deal with an angry partner and so if this is your household, you may want to try the above as a family. (I am not talking about domestic violence here, that is an entirely different subject)

You can change, you just have to really want to.

Please note:

Serious issues from our past, that we have buried will continue to arise in our minds and can feel so complicated that we feel we cannot begin to sort them out by ourselves. It can be very overwhelming but if we know that the past is interfering with our happiness in our daily lives and affecting our future promise.  Then it would be very wise to seek some professional help. There is no shame in that, all too often people avoid seeking help for fear of being judged, that they are alone in their fears that everyone else is coping beautifully, they are the only “failures”.

Let me reassure you right now, that every person (alive) on this planet has some degree of Neurosis, it’s just that some are better at dealing with them than others.

Don’t be afraid to seek help, and shop around for therapists as you would for anything else, if you have a free consultation and you don’t feel comfortable, keep looking until you do. 

NB: The word Neurosis in essence means : Hidden injury, a wound of the mind. It can range from phobias, OCD, low self-esteem, and many other behaviours and is defined as “behaviour not outside normal social terms”. The term has largely been replaced by “anxiety disorders” as a broad umbrella for all the problems that are not classed as a psychosis. 

A Tool kit for Happiness

Building a tool kit for happiness:

If you did, what would you need in your tool box?

Firstly, the box (you) has to be strong, robust and capable of carrying a load – we all have that ability, whether we recognise it or not. How many times have you survived an experience and not until you look back over it, you think, “How on earth did I cope with that”. I am talking about the twists and turns of life here, not of loss of a loved one, an entirely different subject.

Our box may get a little battered here and there, worn around the edges and sometimes a little weary. However, the human spirit is an amazing force, far more amazing than most people realise. When we look back at those times and wonder at our strength and resilience, we see just what we are capable of in times of need.

 Imagine then if you harnessed that ability and used it to change your life for the better, think what you could achieve?

So I have mentioned strength and resilience, so how do we keep it topped up?

With a healthy view to managing our emotions, to begin to look at the positives, to look at what we learnt from the experience. It’s so easy to slip into a negative mind set, mentally logging all the “bad” experiences, carefully separating them from the “good”. When we do that, we build our mind and bodies blueprint for life into two distinct camps. It’s then all too easy to slip into thoughts of “why me” and all the other negative self-talk that we have admonished ourselves with (and perhaps heard from our parents or other authority figures).

Instead of letting negative thoughts overwhelm you, why not start to view the past a little differently? What was your role in the event, was it down to sheer bad luck, or could you have made better choices? This prevents us from thinking we are passengers in life, with no control or choice over what happens. It also prevents us from thinking that things are done to us, that we play no part in our own destiny.

Be honest with yourself, become self-aware of your own habits and behaviours. Learn the difference between emotionally negative strong feelings and our intuition. Emotionally negative strong feelings arise from the past, and if they take over your thinking, they can cause havoc, balance them with reasoning. Intuition is our inbuilt safety device, trust it, review some situations/events, how many times did you say to yourself that you just “knew” what was happening/going to happen yet you ignored those feelings.

Take time to calm down, to think about things before you blurt them all out. It’s about gaining a healthy balance, learning to differentiate between when you are reacting from a place of anger, or fear and when you are acting from a sense of reason and intuition.

Value yourself, build strong boundaries, most of my blogs repeat this, almost like a mantra and that’s because it is so important for your happiness.

How many times has your life exploded off into a new direction, with circumstances that at the time seemed devastating? How many times did your life end up ultimately better, after the dust settled and the hurt and pain subsided, new doors opened for you? How many times did you realise “I should have done that a long time ago”?  

Try this exercise, even if just for one day.

Listen to your speech, the way you talk to others, and just as importantly, the way you talk to yourself. Are you critical of others, and of yourself, do you see the worst in everything? Is your speech littered with negativity, pessimism? Think of sayings such as “if something bad is going to happen, it always happens to me”; that’s like issuing an invitation!

Now make a conscious effort to change those thoughts and speech to positives. It isn’t easy; it takes a lot of hard work, but once the realisation is in your conscious awareness, it can become a new habit within a month or so, that time scale varies from person to person, but gives you a rough idea.

Also we need to nourish ourselves, a healthy diet and good quality sleep play a huge part in feeling good about ourselves. I am well aware that it is a long hard slog to change your thinking and therefore your life. I am not even going to pretend that it’s easy, or indeed a quick process. I can however promise you that the rewards are immense.

So a quick review of our tool kit:

Strength

Resilience

Positive self-worth

Value yourself

Set Boundaries

Managing your emotions

Positive self-talk

Nourish your body

Sleep well

Watch this movie, it’s based on a true story and is incredibly inspiring, it shows what can be done when you never, ever give up.

The Pursuit of Happyness:  

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xcZTtlGweQ