Becoming Real

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

 Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Isn’t that lovely? and what a wonderful excerpt from the book, it really does sum up living authentically.  It’s also very true, we don’t become real people until we have experienced pain, loss, real love, and what we thought was love ~ no matter the source of love or hurt, we become real by acknowledging our true selves in every experience.

So the Skin Horse explains this by saying that people who break easily, have sharp edges, or have to be kept carefully, don’t often become real. Looking at this and applying it to life we can see what he means.

If you break easily, everything becomes painful, every new negative experience builds on the last one, and we become so disconnected from our true selves, our dreams, our hopes that it becomes difficult to see clearly.

If you have coped with life by building a wall around yourself for protection, you may keep out the hurt, but you also keep out the chance of becoming real, and recognising real love when it comes. So your edges will be sharp, from a distance you seem ok, but get closer and those edges cut, the saddest thing is that it is you who will be cut the deepest.

If your response to life has been a desire to be carefully kept, (controlling your environment)  then you are living a false life. Like living on a very small life raft in a very big ocean, you are very vulnerable to being thrown around by life’s ups and downs.

When we are hurting, we don’t see it at the time but it is the perfect time to take a long hard look at ourselves. To become real (authentic) we have to acknowledge every part of ourselves. The good parts, and the not so pretty parts.

You can’t mend other people when they are broken, that’s a fact, an indisputable truth ~ no matter what you do for them, you cannot mend them. You can help them mend themselves, but they have to truly want to change or your energy and time will be wasted.

You can mend yourself though, with or without help, and the first step is to acknowledge that you are broken.

Just two questions, if you’re really smart you’ll be asking yourself both of them:

Why am I allowing these things to happen in my life*?

Why am I treating other people this way?

That’s it right there, your biggest truth, your long hard gaze in the mirror: Two simple questions.

So how do you begin to mend yourself?

It starts with how much we love and value ourselves ~ those who’ve read all of my blogs will notice a common theme in that statement. What most people who read it won’t know - is that I have learnt all of these things the hard way by experience!

So right now I will be my authentic self, sharing the one simple fact that I know, if we don’t love, honour and respect ourselves truly, why should others?

Have you ever:

Put yourself last, feeling guilty for having needs

Beat yourself up for making mistakes

Had self-destructive behaviours that stemmed from low self-worth and attracted all manner of destructive people/events into your life

Talked yourself out of doing anything worthy, told yourself that you wouldn’t be good enough

Concentrate on all your perceived shortcomings far more than all the good things you’ve achieved

Develop some habits/strategies to feel loved, get attention

I have done all of the above, and probably a lot more too at various times in my life!

So how did I change? How did I become real?

I went through a most horrendous experience that left me vulnerable and scared, but at the same time something in me snapped and made me embrace everything I was, and everything I wasn’t.

I acknowledged my weak points and made a promise to myself to sort as many of them out as possible, and to love those flawed bits of me I really couldn’t change.

By accepting yourself fully, you begin the healing process, by looking at the dark side of ourselves, as well as the light parts (much more comfortable to look at) that is the route to becoming whole.

So I am not so different from you, except that I am writing about my flaws for the world to read, and I have to tell you – that feels ok, it feels right to acknowledge that I am not perfect. The reason that feels right, is that my foundation is now built on having the love and respect for myself that I deserve. 

I don’t need everyone else to love me in order to love myself

I don’t need everyone else’s permission to be happy in order to feel happiness

I am happy being me, perfectly imperfect, and in living this way, I have attracted happiness in abundance into my life that I never thought possible..

So now you know.. The whole reason for creating the village of Happyshire, is to help you find peace and happiness in your life too. To give you courage to change, to get out there and create the life you’d really like. 

Live positively and value yourself, take chances, take risks.. just do it!

The worst that can happen can turn out to be the best you ever could have imagined

Trust me...... I know, for now my hair has fallen out, I have scars, inside and outside, my joints ache... but I am real, and I am truly loved. 

You can read the whole story of the Velveteen Rabbit here..

http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/williams/rabbit/rabbit.html

*I am not talking about victims of Domestic Violence, that is a completely different complex subject and I would implore you to seek outside help immediately. 

Angry words, painful soul

Whilst a little anger is a healthy thing, holding on to anger is where we start to get problems.

When I was studying for my Hypnotherapy course, our tutor said that when we hold onto hatred, grudges, anger, or any other fear based negative emotion, although we are directing our thoughts at another, it is us  we are hurting.

 He summarised this nicely thus, when we constantly direct negative emotion at others, it's like saying:

 "Here, drink this glass of poison and watch me  die"

When you really think about that, it's really very powerful isn't it..

 In other words - the words and feelings of hate and anger etc, are coursing through our veins and making us ill. All those feelings bubbling around us do not reach the person they are intended for, they just poison us instead.

A little anger is quite natural and quite necessary in our lives; it can protect us, and motivate us to stand up for ourselves and overcome injustice for those we love. However, like all emotions, if it is chronic, out of control, then it becomes destructive, counter-productive and can eventually cause problems with our health e.g. stress. It can also destroy relationships of all kinds and harm others around you.

 So to conquer it and see what’s really going on inside of us, we need to look at ourselves. That isn’t easy; facing up to who we’ve become can be painful to say the least.

When we bury powerful emotions rather than deal with them; we then expend so much energy trying to keep them buried that we then get all sorts of problems as a result. .  It is a known fact that burying emotional trauma is one of the root causes of addictions.

Think of yourself as a battery, by suppressing emotions we leave ourselves on standby, alert for further situations that may threaten us. So we overreact to situations that in turn fan the flames of anger, using more and more of our energy. Creating more and more situations until life becomes flat and exhausting.

So how do we deal with hurt, pain, frustration etc in a healthy way?

Once we understand that anger is in the main a physical reaction, a primordial response to keep us safe from danger. It causes adrenaline to surge through our bodies and prepares us for flight or fight; we can see that its misuse as a tool for general living is not a good idea.

Being perpetually smoulderingly angry is also a habit or strategy, a way of living that has got results, but can also potentially cost you dearly. Cortisol, the stress hormone burns slowly and constantly, making you ‘on edge’ eventually this could lead to heart problems.

So how to change the cycle?

When you feel anger rising, hit the pause button, train yourself to count to ten (or any number that you need) count very slowly, breathe deeply and think about the consequences of your anger. Take time out to calm yourself, that way you avoid inflaming the situation and saying things you may later regret.

The goal here is to own the moment, rather than your anger owning you.  By taking charge of your emotions you can respond mindfully, rather than just reacting mindlessly.

Once you have calmed down, don’t suppress the feelings that caused your anger, that just leads to more problems. Choose to express them calmly without confrontation but assertively. This is a skill in itself but one that can be learnt and one that will bring rewards in a work, social and domestic setting.

Exercise is an excellent way of channelling frustration into something positive. A long walk, a swim, the gym, whatever you like to do is the key. Allow the frustrations to wash over you, and let them go.

Other angry people, it is no surprise that anger breeds anger and so your household may be one that is stressful, “shouty” and full of people with short fuses. Children learn their strategies from their parents – anger isn’t a good legacy to inherit. Partners will in time adopt anger (either passive or aggressive) to deal with an angry partner and so if this is your household, you may want to try the above as a family. (I am not talking about domestic violence here, that is an entirely different subject)

You can change, you just have to really want to.

Please note:

Serious issues from our past, that we have buried will continue to arise in our minds and can feel so complicated that we feel we cannot begin to sort them out by ourselves. It can be very overwhelming but if we know that the past is interfering with our happiness in our daily lives and affecting our future promise.  Then it would be very wise to seek some professional help. There is no shame in that, all too often people avoid seeking help for fear of being judged, that they are alone in their fears that everyone else is coping beautifully, they are the only “failures”.

Let me reassure you right now, that every person (alive) on this planet has some degree of Neurosis, it’s just that some are better at dealing with them than others.

Don’t be afraid to seek help, and shop around for therapists as you would for anything else, if you have a free consultation and you don’t feel comfortable, keep looking until you do. 

NB: The word Neurosis in essence means : Hidden injury, a wound of the mind. It can range from phobias, OCD, low self-esteem, and many other behaviours and is defined as “behaviour not outside normal social terms”. The term has largely been replaced by “anxiety disorders” as a broad umbrella for all the problems that are not classed as a psychosis. 

A Tool kit for Happiness

Building a tool kit for happiness:

If you did, what would you need in your tool box?

Firstly, the box (you) has to be strong, robust and capable of carrying a load – we all have that ability, whether we recognise it or not. How many times have you survived an experience and not until you look back over it, you think, “How on earth did I cope with that”. I am talking about the twists and turns of life here, not of loss of a loved one, an entirely different subject.

Our box may get a little battered here and there, worn around the edges and sometimes a little weary. However, the human spirit is an amazing force, far more amazing than most people realise. When we look back at those times and wonder at our strength and resilience, we see just what we are capable of in times of need.

 Imagine then if you harnessed that ability and used it to change your life for the better, think what you could achieve?

So I have mentioned strength and resilience, so how do we keep it topped up?

With a healthy view to managing our emotions, to begin to look at the positives, to look at what we learnt from the experience. It’s so easy to slip into a negative mind set, mentally logging all the “bad” experiences, carefully separating them from the “good”. When we do that, we build our mind and bodies blueprint for life into two distinct camps. It’s then all too easy to slip into thoughts of “why me” and all the other negative self-talk that we have admonished ourselves with (and perhaps heard from our parents or other authority figures).

Instead of letting negative thoughts overwhelm you, why not start to view the past a little differently? What was your role in the event, was it down to sheer bad luck, or could you have made better choices? This prevents us from thinking we are passengers in life, with no control or choice over what happens. It also prevents us from thinking that things are done to us, that we play no part in our own destiny.

Be honest with yourself, become self-aware of your own habits and behaviours. Learn the difference between emotionally negative strong feelings and our intuition. Emotionally negative strong feelings arise from the past, and if they take over your thinking, they can cause havoc, balance them with reasoning. Intuition is our inbuilt safety device, trust it, review some situations/events, how many times did you say to yourself that you just “knew” what was happening/going to happen yet you ignored those feelings.

Take time to calm down, to think about things before you blurt them all out. It’s about gaining a healthy balance, learning to differentiate between when you are reacting from a place of anger, or fear and when you are acting from a sense of reason and intuition.

Value yourself, build strong boundaries, most of my blogs repeat this, almost like a mantra and that’s because it is so important for your happiness.

How many times has your life exploded off into a new direction, with circumstances that at the time seemed devastating? How many times did your life end up ultimately better, after the dust settled and the hurt and pain subsided, new doors opened for you? How many times did you realise “I should have done that a long time ago”?  

Try this exercise, even if just for one day.

Listen to your speech, the way you talk to others, and just as importantly, the way you talk to yourself. Are you critical of others, and of yourself, do you see the worst in everything? Is your speech littered with negativity, pessimism? Think of sayings such as “if something bad is going to happen, it always happens to me”; that’s like issuing an invitation!

Now make a conscious effort to change those thoughts and speech to positives. It isn’t easy; it takes a lot of hard work, but once the realisation is in your conscious awareness, it can become a new habit within a month or so, that time scale varies from person to person, but gives you a rough idea.

Also we need to nourish ourselves, a healthy diet and good quality sleep play a huge part in feeling good about ourselves. I am well aware that it is a long hard slog to change your thinking and therefore your life. I am not even going to pretend that it’s easy, or indeed a quick process. I can however promise you that the rewards are immense.

So a quick review of our tool kit:

Strength

Resilience

Positive self-worth

Value yourself

Set Boundaries

Managing your emotions

Positive self-talk

Nourish your body

Sleep well

Watch this movie, it’s based on a true story and is incredibly inspiring, it shows what can be done when you never, ever give up.

The Pursuit of Happyness:  

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xcZTtlGweQ

Great Expectations

The point of this article is not to say you shouldn’t have healthy expectations – of course you should, we should all be entitled to be treated decently. This is about not having unattainable/road to disappointment expectations. This is about understanding how having great expectations of another, rather than accepting them as they are is a sure fire route to disappointments.

Expectations are a killer of all kinds of relationships - the only thing they provide is a disappointment. Why? Because simply by having set expectations, removes the likelihood of having the very things you really desire.

One of them is unconditional love - how can you expect to have that, if you don't actually give it yourself? The answer is that you can't; expectations arise from feelings of lower vibration, we have needs which we project onto the other person in order to feel loved, this means we need them to prove it by fulfilling our expectations.

No-one can ever fill the gap that we have created within our wholeness; we disconnect ourselves from source and then "expect" another soul to reconnect us. It simply doesn't work like that, unconditional love is taking character, warts and all, quirks, annoyances, all the things that we are made of as humans and loving them unconditionally from the source we have within US - not from their source.

It is the same with trying to fill that gap within ourselves with ‘things’, not always the obvious material things but maybe we reach for this or that spiritual endeavour, we make new friends, join new groups. Again, it simply doesn’t work like that. The gap within our wholeness has been created by us and can ultimately only be healed by us. It’s no good just wanting to change, you have to actually change, be willing to lay out all your unsavoury bits in the fresh air. Otherwise you could have a 1000 therapies and still remain the same. Now that my friends, is why change is so hard – dangling our unsavoury bits in public is dangerous! We might be judged, or we might give away our power or feelings of safety (substitute any fears you like here)

Take a long hard look at a person who is always blaming others for their own problems, look at what traits in others that they moan about the most – it is sure to be the ones they dislike most in themselves. Probably also the ones they are most sensitive about too. Does that ring true for you?

Then there are those who struggle to take responsibility for their own actions, if a person does something to you to intentionally hurt you, it can make it much worse than if they were to do the same thing accidentally.  If they keep on hurting you then it is easy to begin to feel that maybe there is something about you that causes that hurt. Now that isn’t true, when people repeatedly hurt others (by whatever means and no matter how “nicely” that hurt is dressed up and delivered, ) It IS most certainly about them!, and the most interesting thing to learn is that the need to inflict hurt upon another almost always originates from your own pain.

Have a totally honest look backwards in your life to the last time you did something to intentionally hurt someone, no matter how insignificant. Try to remember the feelings you had, I bet it wasn't about happiness and love, was it?

You may have been angry, or jealous, or feeling any number of similar emotions.  Those feelings only come from your own pain. The same is true of others… no one truly does things just because they enjoy inflicting hurt upon others.     

(With the obvious exception of the criminally insane etc, etc)

 That doesn't mean that their (or your) actions are justified, by any means… it's still wrong to hurt someone with intention, regardless of how badly you've been hurt yourself.  Your own pain just isn't a valid excuse for inflicting pain on others.

On the other hand, once you realise that the harm comes from the pain of another, it does make it far easier to forgive them, and somewhat easier to not take hurt from their actions in the first place.

Even when those actions are intended to cause pain; forgiving them takes away their power, because you realise that they are attacking from a place of weakness, not a place of strength.  It’s a phenomenal amount of relief that you feel when you truly forgive someone as it takes a lot of energy to hold a grudge.

Also, when we think of others causing us pain, it doesn’t have to be a big traumatic event, thoughtlessness, carelessness etc, these are tiny events but if the other person is carrying pain with them, it can really hurt them.

Try listening, I mean really listening, not with the thoughts of advice gathering in your mind – for the moment you do that, then you’ve actually stopped listening. Give them your full attention and listen with your whole being, they will recognise that on a soul level and that in itself is a form of healing.

Try this, when you have a chance:  Take a moment to think about someone that hurt you recently, now think about the person who caused that hurt, and picture them as having done it because they were lashing out from their own pain (a feeling the vast majority of us are familiar with!).  Let yourself feel that feeling, the conscious knowledge that you are saying or doing something you don't really mean because of your own hurt, and then understand that whatever they did came from a similar place, that they had just as hard a time controlling it.

It changes the way you feel about it a lot when you look at it that way, doesn't it? 

 It then becomes harder to hold onto pain and much easier to forgive. The freedom that gives your soul is ohhh so delicious! and infinitely more rewarding than holding onto anger!

So next time someone important in your life acts in a way that displeases you (and by the way, if they display anything less than kindness towards you, that’s their issues coming to the fore, not yours) try to think where they are coming from, why they might be hurting. Conversely if you are the one hurting, don’t be led down the path of apologising (or getting angry) for having feelings.

I am not suggesting that you blunder in, naming what you think is that persons problems – none of us like to hear that, none of us like to be faced with who we truly are in a shocking way. I think a gentle approach is best, if you can, gently coax out what is the real problem beneath their hurtful behaviour.

Above all keep your own boundaries strong, keep a strong sense of self-worth. Don’t forget that some people don’t want your help, won’t respond to you, no matter how loving/patient/resilient/giving you are.

If you are already at that stage –evaluating yourself and your needs would be a very smart idea.

Time to shine..

The Path..

We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love... and then we return home. (anon)

On the eve of the Winter Solstice, it is perhaps a good time to reflect upon the changes in our lives, those that have happened already, and those yet to come.

Within every experience, even those we view as bad, comes a lesson, and it is always about ourselves, you can seek to change many, many things around you, or you can change yourself.

The path is never easy, never smooth, but such is the glory and beauty of life. If we had never felt pain, how would we recognise pleasure?

Often we hold ourselves back, from becoming all we truly can be, and that is because every negative emotion stems from fear.

Fear is like a spiders web, spinning lines in our minds, binding us.

We listen to those who would judge us; we bruise from carelessly spoken words and actions.

If we are brave enough to step out of the fear, away from the “what if”; away from concerning ourselves what others may be thinking or doing. We not only free ourselves, but we value ourselves for the magnificent person we truly are.

Life is a truly magnificent gift, we shouldn’t waste it worrying that we don’t look a certain way, or that we may not have the media’s idea of a perfect life.

Embrace all you are, all you can be, if you’ve always wanted to do something – do it!

In the words of Mary Manin Morrisey

Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift..

And so as the Soltice grows closer, we think of the Holly King, as his time draws to a close. When the Yule arrives, His Brother the Oak King is Born and with him, new growth, rebirth, new beginnings.

The holly King has stolen the last of the light, and The Oak King gives us back a little each day, warming us, brightening our lives and giving us renewed hope.

In recognition of the light that burns in us all, we light the Yule log, the bringer of warmth and cheer, we put up the Christmas lights, but this is not just about welcoming the light into our lives.

This is not just about banishing the darkness, we’ve pondered and reflected enough. We’ve watched the darkness grow longer everyday and once the long darkest, longest night is over, we can look inside for our own shining light, we can reveal its beauty, it’s strength and courage.. and we can choose to let it shine, to ring our Solstice Bells and let the new cycle begin..

Happy Yule to all.. and bright blessings in all you do.

People who live in glass houses..

I saw something this morning that made me laugh out loud; It was an advert for a scaffold company called Onward and Upward, how clever I thought!

Then I thought about the saying, Onwards and Upwards, often said when we are coming to the end of trouble and strife of one form or another in our lives.

“Ahh well.. onwards and upwards..”  

Often said with a hint of regret, or of sadness but always with a stoical, stiff upper lip..

Although meant as a positive saying, I thought about the advert I’d seen this morning, and asked myself, is that saying putting scaffolding over something we need to deal with?

If that scaffolding was repairing or building a structure, we’d be starting at the bottom, the foundations. A wise builder wouldn’t paint over the cracks and expect the building to have strength at the top.

When we are crumbling at the bottom, don’t we also need to look at ourselves first?

There is always something we are not happy with, either about ourselves, or about others (often we project our own failings onto others)

If things are going wrong in our lives, if we are repeating the same old behaviours, patterns in relationships..It can’t always be someone else’s fault can it?

What are we waiting for, permission to be happy, and permission to be ourselves? Or are we going to march out there in our full glory, wearing our best colours – declaring look out world here I come!

It is too easy to paper over the cracks,( what I call Emotional stuffing) to apportion blame to others if the life we are leading is any less than what we truly want it to be. “Chalk it down to experience and move on”, that’s another good saying, how about “Pull yourself together”? 

I think we are encouraged from a young age to stuff all of our bad feelings into a box (us) and not bother other people with our feelings; as though somehow it’s a little bit distasteful.

Ever sat in a Dr’s waiting room and someone you know walks in, “Hello, how are you”

Do you give them a long list of your ailments? Of course not, you say “fine, and yourself?” ......

Pre-school children on the other hand are much more open, they will tell anybody anything, as all parents who’ve attended an open evening at school will testify!

So here’s my thinking, if we thought of ourselves as a glass building, and we’d stuffed all the ballast (negativity) down to the very bottom, and built the top up to look very pretty.

We’ve chosen to carry on, Onwards and Upwards, on the surface it all looks great!

Until one day, something happens, something that shakes our foundations, loss, grief, illness, divorce, (insert anything here) so the parts of you that were already weighed down, breaks, shatters into a thousand needle sharp pieces.. and they hurt – like nothing you have experienced before.

To the outside world you may seem a little crazy, people may not be sure how to deal with you, they may even avoid you, not because they don’t care, but because we are not sure what to do, it doesn’t fit the model we have been taught, the one we are told is “normal”.

We look at all the tiny pieces, fragments of ourselves, it’s all a mess, it’s such a surreal feeling – tears fall unbidden, unwanted, but still they fall. The sharp edges seem to cut everything wide open, even your heart. It opens your gut.. and all the emotional stuffing comes out..... and it really is ok.

BUT...

Then something wonderful happens, once you’ve released all of that stuffing, you feel lighter, you can breathe easier, and you begin to notice your light, your inner shining light that the stuffing had dimmed.

In your pain you see truth, the absolute truth of who you are. Patterns are revealed in the tears, habits and behaviours are revealed, and light-bulb moments of self realisation, flash again and again.

This is a totally pivotal moment, a life changing moment you can grasp with both hands and heal yourself.

 In your vulnerability you reach a clear fork in your road..

On one fork is a bag of stuffing which feels so familiar, so warm and so very comforting, like a big meal does, or a warm jumper – it’s also the easy way out – and a sure fire way of creating another glass house.

The other fork holds the road to real enlightenment, to real happiness, to finding the joy of “being”. It’s the unknown road, the road of letting go of all you knew before, all your safety blankets, ropes and maps – all gone.

 What awaits you is happiness, true happiness that is generated by you, for you. It is no longer dependent on pleasing others, on conforming, on putting yourself last. It is scary, but it is the best kind of scary!

I can tell you two things:

The other fork is the most joyous road you’ll ever take, and I tell you this from experience

You don’t have to wait until someone or something else shatters your glass house, you can break it yourself first......... I did

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Life for rent?

"But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy...

Well I deserve nothing more than I get..Cos nothing I have is truly mine"

You may well recognise those words from the song "Life for rent" by Dido. How very true they are, so I want you to think about your life, your soul, is yours for rent? 

What do those words mean?
To me they are making a clear statement about choice. I am writing this article predominantly for women, simply because they are more prone to fall for the beguiling ways of a charmer, especially when vulnerable.

In particular I would like to talk about Narcissism, have you ever been in a relationship that started by you being totally swept off your feet? A knight in shining ardour, sorry amour, who "understood you" would love you so truly, so completely,  like no other. Did he used to be a "bad boy" were you going to cure him? Was he a victim of all of those other women, misunderstood, vilified?  I am sure that you can add any number of other statements here. 

“If you have ever been drained dry and then blamed for failing, or have been criticised, then altered your behaviour, only to be found at fault for doing what you were told to do, you have had an encounter with a narcissist. Narcissists can make you feel crazy, exhausted and guilty.”                                                                            Dan B Alexander

The charmer:

During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is often in his or her best behaviour. A narcissist can be extremely charming, witty and lovely, which often makes one to fall head over heels in love with them.

While pursuing a new Lover, a narcissist is often claiming that they have been very unhappy in their past relationships, have never felt as strongly towards anyone else as they are now feeling towards the new Lover, etc. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to disarm the other person and to make the other person fall for them.

We all want to be loved and adored by the person we love, that’s a basic human need. During the idealisation phase a narcissist is fulfilling this need and is making us feel special, this is why it is so difficult to resist them. Unfortunately this "honeymoon" period never lasts for long. A narcissist soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase.

At around 4mths into a new relationship, an undamaged person would start to think about long term possibilities, with the narcissist, the reality is, the boredom is already settling in.  

The not so charming:

During this phase the behaviour of a narcissist changes, they may become cold and uncaring almost overnight. A narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly a narcissist finds all sorts of flaws in your behaviour and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve such treatment. You may try to please your partner and try to "make him or her love you again", however nothing you do seems to be good enough.

During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current spouse "available", in case the new relationship does not work out the way they are expecting. A narcissist is often getting "kicks" when he or she is thinking that two people (the current spouse and the secret lover) are "madly in love" with him/her. This feeling serves as the source of a narcissistic supply.

Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?

Do they have:

• An Inability to reach true empathy
• Tendencies to expect special treatment
• Feelings of entitlement, that things will just come to them (without having to work hard)
• Inability to admit that he or she is wrong, or if they do, it will be for effect, and given in a magnanimous manner
• Inability to receive criticism, takes slights at everyday comments
• Unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
• Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behaviour of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist
• Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual
• Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug.
• Is often envious and mocks other people (often behind their back) always with the belief they are superior
• Very secretive ways, and over react hugely if asked normal questions such as, “how was your day”
• In the beginning of the relationship idealises one's partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love, quick to demand marriage.  However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become distant cold and uncaring
• Is often untruthful and due to this, often ends up cheating in a relationship. Cheating is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge "crime"),
• Double standards: A narcissist twists the rules so that they fit to their current needs. For example, if a narcissist is cheating it is not wrong, because a narcissist simply "fell in love" and followed his or her heart.  Double standards also apply to other areas in life.
• A quest for power, spiritual or otherwise, or a perceived gift of great power

It's impossible to overemphasize the importance of narcissists' lack of empathy. It colours everything about them. Their thinking is not only illogical but can seem very dysfunctional too. On the surface they are often humorous, good fun, great to be around, first to offer help, seemingly charming but you have to know them pretty well to see their true behaviour. For instance, they always fill in the gaps of their visible life with bits of behaviour, ideas, tastes, opinions, etc., borrowed from someone else whom they regard as an authority. 

Often they are leaders, either socially or at work; If they are not in a position of authority they often denigrate every co-worker, employer, co member who is, as obviously they could do the job so much better.

If you look past the charming facade, they often contradict themselves, they borrow their opinions and preferences and tastes from whoever strikes them as authoritative at that moment. 

Their authoritative sources, are often from a book or the internet, for instance.. Because their inner life is so restricted and essentially dead, it doesn't contain images of how to live a full life; these things are not important to them, they expect others to look after day-to-day chores. They resent wasting their specialness on common things, like paying bills etc. They prefer to be engaged in something that brings personal glory and most importantly, the adoration they crave.

 They're pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to them, (or have nothing to offer) and they'll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use. 

If they are sexually attracted to you they'll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. But, as soon as you get really close to them, they'll say that you are too demanding/intrusive/clingy – all manner of things designed to make you feel bad about yourself . This puts you on the quest to win back their approval, to regain what you thought you had when they charmed you. You invest so much love and emotion into them, that it is hard to leave. They can turn on the vulnerable child act at will. 

When the balance changes and the emotional and verbal abuse begins, they still behave so charmingly in public, you will witness them and be left bewildered at your own treatment – you think that no-one else will believe you, how could they when the public persona is so convincingly charming?

When you say "I love you," they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an appendage, and so the balance changes. The change from decent treatment to verbal and emotional abuse is very shocking and bewildering, and it's so contrary to normal experience it is hard to comprehend that an expression of affection that triggered the narcissists' nasty reactions.

Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. If you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't really love them (or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you) If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will twist and turn things t make you feel guilty. They will readily withhold sexual contact; whilst often at this stage, making sexual contact with new sources of flattery , by whatever means. 

The lies: do not underestimate their ability to lie, they are incredibly adept at doing so, even when the lies are not even necessary, they twist and turn things so that you begin to doubt that what you saw/heard with your own eyes/ears is possible.  If you try to challenge them about it, anything can happen, from sulking, rage,  right up to putting on a big mock show of indignant hurt. "How could you even think that of me" They will press all of your emotional buttons, and then accuse you of being emotional. Make no mistake, you are being played.

 Some say narcissists tend to peak around middle age and then mellow out. Others say that narcissists stay pretty much the same except they tend to get depression as they get older and their grandiose fantasies are not supported, plus they're not as good-looking as they used to be. Narcissists blame the world, their previous partners of course, and not themselves for their personal disappointments.

 Can you live with a Narcissist? Yes, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show genuine interest in you or your life ,do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologise or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary grown up responsibility in any way.

 But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they syphon from you.

Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take every last bit you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and when you finally give up on them, because you have been drained.. it WILL be your fault, make no mistake about that. The crocodile tears will come, the denial will be immense, circumstances (tragic of course) will have dictated the demise of the relationship. 

If this sounds like something you have experienced then let me reassure you right now, there isn't anything "wrong" with you! Chances are you are caring, empathetic, a nurturer, so how does this happen? 

Simple - they selected you as most likely to be thier new source, they will have been visually and sexually attracted to you (it's good for their image) but early on you will have displayed signs of weak personal boundaries. 

When our boundaries are weak, unguarded, or unclear, we let in all sorts people that we normally wouldn't entertain. When we are feeling vulnerable, unsure of ourselves,  we give away our own personal energy unconsciously. We then give signs, such as low confidence,signs that they will have picked up on straight away.  

So how to stop this happening again?  Learn to set boundaries..


 This excellent article was sent to me (link below) and I thought it gave very good advice from Dana Gionta.  

1. Name your limits.

You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. So identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits, Gionta said. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. “Those feelings help us identify what our limits are.”

2. Tune into your feelings.

Gionta has observed two key feelings in others that are red flags or cues that we’re letting go of our boundaries: discomfort and resentment. She suggested thinking of these feelings on a continuum from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone, she said.

If you’re at the higher end of this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, Gionta suggested asking yourself, what is causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation that is bothering me?

Resentment usually “comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.” It’s often a sign that we’re pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we feel guilty (and want to be a good daughter or wife, for instance), or someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values on us, she said.

“When someone acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a cue to us they may be violating or crossing a boundary,” Gionta said.

3. Be direct.

With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue. Usually, this is the case if people are similar in their communication styles, views, personalities and general approach to life, Gionta said. They’ll “approach each other similarly.”

With others, such as those who have a different personality or cultural background, you’ll need to be more direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example: “one person feels [that] challenging someone’s opinions is a healthy way of communicating,” but to another person this feels disrespectful and tense.

There are other times you might need to be direct. For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a boundary issue, Gionta said. Partners might need to talk about how much time they need to maintain their sense of self and how much time to spend together.

4. Give yourself permission.

Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls, Gionta said. We might fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe that they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they’re a good daughter or son, even though they “feel drained or taken advantage of.” We might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place.

Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.

5. Practice self-awareness.

Again, boundaries are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, Gionta suggested asking yourself: What’s changed? Consider “What I am doing or [what is] the other person doing?” or “What is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” Then, mull over your options: “What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have control over?”

6. Consider your past and present.

How you were raised along with your role in your family can become additional obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caretaker, you learned to focus on others, letting yourself be drained emotionally or physically, Gionta said. Ignoring your own needs might have become the norm for you.

Also, think about the people you surround yourself with, she said. “Are the relationships reciprocal?” Is there a healthy give and take?

Beyond relationships, your environment might be unhealthy, too. For instance, if your workday is eight hours a day, but your co-workers stay at least 10 to 11, “there’s an implicit expectation to go above and beyond” at work, Gionta said. It can be challenging being the only one or one of a few trying to maintain healthy boundaries, she said. Again, this is where tuning into your feelings and needs and honoring them becomes critical.

7. Make self-care a priority.

Gionta helps her clients make self-care a priority, which also involves giving yourself permission to put yourself first. When we do this, “our need and motivation to set boundaries become stronger,” she said. Self-care also means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them. These feelings serve as “important cues about our wellbeing and about what makes us happy and unhappy.”

Putting yourself first also gives you the “energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there” for them.” And “When we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.”

8. Seek support.

If you’re having a hard time with boundaries, “seek some support, whether [that’s a] support group, church, counseling, coaching or good friends.” With friends or family, you can even make “it a priority with each other to practice setting boundaries together [and] hold each other accountable.”

Consider seeking support through appropriate resources, too..

9. Be assertive.

Of course, we know that it’s not enough to create boundaries; we actually have to follow through. Even though we know intellectually that people aren’t mind readers, we still expect others to know what hurts us, Gionta said. Since they don’t, it’s important to assertively communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary.

In a respectful way, let the other person know what in particular is bothersome to you and that you can work together to address it, Gionta said.

10. Start small.

Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. Gionta suggested starting with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increasing to more challenging boundaries. “Build upon your success, and [at first] try not to take on something that feels overwhelming.”

“Setting boundaries takes courage, practice and support,” Gionta said. And remember that it’s a skill you can master.

I would also like to add something to the bottom of this - if it feels wrong inside your gut, that's because it IS wrong. Don't gift people like this with your own morals, with your own sense of justice. 

Would you ever even consider treating another human being like this? then do not allow another human being treat you like it.. 

Boundaries article taken from:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

I am currently researching Narcissism and it's devastating affect on the victims - many have already written to me, please feel free to do so in complete confidence. Cherry.